I started writing this article but then stopped, turned off my computer, held up my chin and looked up to the roof thinking to myself this: “Dude, what the fuck are you tryna do right now. You ain’t even thirty and you are writing about people in their thirties.”
That one line of thought started a tug of war in my brain. I have had this fight all day before I finally won and started to write this article.
One thing to note, I may not be thirty but I sure as hell has a lot of friends in their thirties. I am also very keen on observing people. I think if I had majored in psychology in college I could be making millions right now even before I graduate.
Take me to a group of 30-year-old men and I will pick for you one overgrown frat dude living with roommates, another guy who just dropped his three kids off at school, a few who are doing well in their careers and a couple of confused soul-searchers still figuring out what to do with their lives.
As some men in their 30s have already told me, some feel like they have already figured out what they should do with their lives while others feel hopeless for the first time in their lives. It’s a motley crew.
The motliest part of this crew is the ever-growing number of single men in their 30s. Now, I am not against people being single. It is their own damn business. I just thought it would be awesome to write about the common type of dudes who are still single yet they are in the age bracket where a lot of men are supposed to be married and having kids.
1.The total package
This dude is good at everything. I mean, he has got everything. I am even jealous of the guy.
He is smart, he went to a top college. He is an athlete, an avid traveler, and a musician. The total package is handsome – he is always well groomed.
He has one hell of a career going for him, but he is not a workaholic – he is a family man.
There is just one problem. The total package doesn’t seem to get even one girl who is worth his greatness.
According to him, the woman who should be fit for him will have to be perfect. Like, God has to have created her Himself. She was not born to an earthly woman. She imagines her often especially before he goes to bed when he gets quite lonely, Gorgeous as they come, she turns heads, bursting with charm and Charisma, she has the ability to light up every room she enters, she is the brilliant rising start in her career that Bloomberg featured last week, and she is also loved by all her friends and enemies.
That’s is just her public persona though. At home, she is awesome in bed, loving, selfless, devoted and a fantastic cook.
Oh, I almost forgot, she also plays badminton, volleyball, chess, golf, sings beautifully, speaks Chinese, German, French and Italian, she reads like there is no tomorrow, ask her anything and she will tell you everything like she is Google itself. He is Romeo and she is his Juliet.
But, it seems like this epitome of perfection has not yet shown up in his life. He is in a battle right now between his superhuman standards and the terror of being 40 and still single. 40 and single is not supposed to be part of the total package’s story.
2.The guy who just got out of a difficult relationship
This is the guy who has been in a relationship since time immemorial. He has been dating his long-term girlfriend. He never seemed to be that happy but everyone just assumed that they would end up married. Now after the long and difficult break up that they underwent recently, this guy looks happy.
He has already re-emerged with a bang and he is acting like life just got better for him. He is not sure about how to be single after being in a relationship for too long but he is sure as hell hitting the clubs tonight.
3.The Dude Who Must Marry a Girl From his Ethnic Group or Mom and Dad Will Never Speak to Him Again
Finding someone to be your life partner is hard enough. This dude’s parents are not making it easy for him at all. He tried to be a rebel once but after his last girlfriend was not allowed into his Mom and Dad’s house causing her to cry, he fucking gave up.
He is always wishing that his mom should stop setting him up with girls.
This guy hates women, and women hate him. He doesn’t know a whole lot about the other gender but he knows two things: The number of women that he has slept with which is 623 and that all women are bitches.
He did quite well with women back then in his early days when all girls were young and stupid and they were all attracted to assholes like him. Lately, only those with low self-esteem seem to gravitate towards him.
Last night he tried talking to a decent woman in a club. I was there, the woman called him an asshole, kicked him hard in the balls and then called security guys on him screaming that he intended to rape her.
The Misogynist’s closest cousin is a cheater. Yes, they understand each other even though they are different. They are “bros” although his cousin is a female.
5.Dude Who Peaked Too Early
At 18 the dude had everything that a 17-year-old girl would ever dream of. His sky-high confidence carried him smoothly through college and no one was even surprised when he landed a sweet, beautiful girlfriend in his early 20s. What he didn’t know was that he was just getting started. He broke up with his girlfriend when he was 25.
It’s ten years since then. His hair got bored and left. His high school awesomeness is not part of the conversation anymore. He has been observing girls recently and he has noticed that even his ex-girlfriend is not that much into him anymore. He has taken this into consideration and he has already decided to lower his standards.
6.The guy who has finally made it to the good catch league
At 25, this dude was very fat and no girl would have ever dreamt of being with him. He has worked hard for the past 8 years and he has lost some weight. He has learned how to polish up on his dressing style from a friend at work and he is also having an early career success.
He is now getting more attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined. Girls find it odd that such an awesome guy could still be single. They find his humility intoxicating for managing to stay single this long with all his success and good looks. What they don’t know is that this guy always thought that all girls were out of his league.
Once his new situation has started to sink in, he enters into another unfortunate phase. He is stressing his male friends out by doing shit like winking at them over the shoulder of the girl he is dancing with and offering them a fist pound when an attractive girl passes by them and walks down the street.
7.The Normal Guy Who Hasn’t Met the Right Girl Yet
This guy really wishes that people would stop looking at him with those pitying eyes. This guy likes everything in his life. He likes his friends, he likes his dog, he likes his cat and he even likes being single. He is not in a rush to get into a relationship and he is confident that at some point he is gonna meet the girl of his dreams and get married.
He is not quite sure why everyone who knows him is trying to figure out what the fuck is the problem with him. According to them, he should be married by now. His parents are worried. They never waste an opportunity to ask him if he is dating anyone.
His friends are willing to help and they are setting dates for him every chance they get. He appreciates all the help, but then again, he thinks that it would be awesome if everyone stopped thinking that there is something wrong with him.
8.Aggressive Online Dater Who Can’t Believe that he is still Single
This dude is always on his computer. Not watching porn though. He is always dating online. Through high school and college and his twenties, he always had a girlfriend. He spent years pitying his single friends and talking shit behind their back every chance he got. Somehow, he is in his 30s and he is single.
He has ten different online dating profiles, and when people ask him if he is dating anyone, he explains that he is just too busy with his career and he ain’t got no time for stupid relationships.
He is perfect. In fact, he is a catch. He is intelligent, he is well dressed and he has a great job. He is funny, charming and articulate. The only tiny inconvenience is that he is not attracted to females.
He had theories about him being gay but he sure as hell proved himself wrong.
10.The Dude who has totally quit at this point
All he wants to do now is sit in his home whip out his remote and watch TV reruns all fucking day. He doesn’t like to go to bars, online dating is too childish for him and both X-Box and the Bong are back in his living room after briefly putting them in his closet after a friend gave him a pep talk one day two months ago.
Deep down he is frightened about a lot of things, but his fear manifests in denial and passivity usually prevails. The only way things are gonna change for this dude is if he finds himself in the hands of a girl who will pursue him relentlessly.
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